an ode to the dead / death

it’s natural to be obsessed with the unknown. i know this as a person. i identify with artists who i think are geniuses because i want to be one myself. i feel like my favorites are these empathetic perfect people with jumbled minds. many are.

when jonghyun commited suicide, well, that was a huge eye-opener. but i just respected him so much. i’m really methodical about what i need to absorb and in what ways i’ll do it. i don’t know if it’s the ocd or adhd honestly but it must be in order.

anyway, i’ve been listening to nevermind a lot. i haven’t gotten to in utero, or anything post/previous, though. i’m listening to nirvana at reading. 1992.: the year i was born. it’s so silly because i saw or heard the word ‘curious’ like he was curious artists are curious they’re searching.

jonghyun has this really beautiful song called “i’m so curious.”

i don’t even know what to say. i just found out that jonghyun never announced that he was going to promote his new music in 2018 though it was on his teleprompter at his concert.

a lot of people have taken their lives and i don’t want to discount that. i can’t name every one. i just can’t conceptualize being so good and loved and people waiting just to see what you do next. but you can’t hold on.

as a black woman i’ve struggled with managing grief due to racial trauma and anxiety. i remember spending two weeks after the riots after george floyd was murdered absolutely devastated. there’s this picture of him, i think it’s a selfie, he’s smiling. now he’s gone.

it’s hard for me to think of life and death, choice or none, because we toe that line. i just don’t think i can be okay with people leaving the earth. i can’t do it. it’s too soon. we all die but why couldn’t you stay? and when choice comes in it’s a different kind of pain. i have to admit that it is not as painful as our (my community’s) subjugation and murder.

that’s complicated and a slow psychological tale that could end in multiple outcomes. i can’t tell you how much i agonize over that and what i would do if i wasn’t born in 1992. if i would end my life in other circumstances. if i would rather be dead than literally owned.

it seems like things just stack up. i don’t know what happens next. i always wish i knew what happened when people left. i wish i didn’t feel this way, i wish people could stay, i wish we could predict the future so we could help. learning that robin williams discussed his suicide before. learning that people know they will die and there’s nothing we can fucking do. a lot of time’s it’s drugs but a lot of time’s it isn’t.

i want to eradicate that pain. i want to be honest about what i want. i don’t want to present an image but i have to lie. i have to be fake. there’s things that i want that i shouldn’t. things that i think will help me survive and stay tethered. i want to talk about everything and anything. i want to honor their lives but i don’t want to lie.

it’s painful. it’s beautiful in a really sick way, that you decide, but it’s something that i can’t focus on unless i want to spend a day bereft. kurt cobain’s alleged suicide note is really well written which is fucking psychotic to mention. truly. i don’t even know if it’s real. i’ve seen jonghyun’s. i want to fucking scream.

i was never into nirvana so when i started to learn more, reading about him on a trip with my parents i think, i was convinced he could have lived. if that note is true, i still think so. i think they all could have. it isn’t to insult the dead or their feelings but all i want is for these people to understand they are loved, they are missed….

why couldn’t we give them what we want? this is all so removed from me. i’ve seen loss both personally and communally, intra-communal, etc and i want to say well we all die so they accelerated the process. but why couldn’t we give them what they wanted on earth?

i’m sick to my stomach but i really don’t want to die. people may think i do but it’s just that i am genuinely fucking curious. i know there’s more out there, but what? and i may be nobody, just a black woman who desperately wants to share what she does, which is a sobering thought because of who i think i want to be….

but i just want to understand. i never will, i know. it hurts to think that the pain couldn’t end. and in the most selfish part: we will never see you again. another piece of art, snip of music, writing, nothing. you were here and then you weren’t.

death is just hard for me. i know this. it’s going to haunt me forever until i pass. which is going to happen. i’m always going to feel fucking selfish but need to help others. in so many ways people like me are so selfish because they want to do everything ever so they can feel and know and just be okay with who they are.

you know, i want you to know that i praise you and your mind. i want you to know so badly. didn’t you want to continue to hear it? it hurts to feel you’re good but you are. fuck man. is that ultimate peace? i think it is. it better be.

one of the greatest lines (frank ocean) about what i feel: want to see nirvana but don’t wanna die yet.

i don’t think any of you were ready. the other shit i can’t fucking touch right now, the idea of my skin putting a mark on me. i won’t. i’m so sick of seeing everything and doing anything and knowing that it’s hard.

i want a sign that life was worth it. for you, for me, for them. was it? what did it mean? death is the end but it’s everything isn’t it? maybe for a lot of artists we’re just chasing an answer. really want to see nirvana but don’t wanna die yet.